Mo and I have been going out for evening walks for the last week or so.  I know that this is something that most parents do with their children - walk around the neighborhood.  But, not for me.  This is something that I have just now worked up to doing.  Walking around my neighborhood, even just driving around my neighborhood, has really been too hard for me.  These are the streets that I walked with Max.  The alley across the way from our house, the stroll down Riverside Dr., the walk through the Equestrian Center - they are all places that have lots of Max memories for me.


While I was out on maternity leave with Max, I bundled him up in our Moby wrap and walked all of the streets of our hood.  I walked by the daycare I knew we'd be sending him to everyday because I wanted to assure myself that he would be safe there.  I zig-zagged the surrounding streets, listening to music, feeling such bliss and delight to be free all day with my newest and most profound little love. 

After I went back to work, I made a point to stroll Max to and from daycare whenever I could.  We'd walk down Riverside Dr. - past the Equestrian Center, the Riverside Cafe, the park....  I haven't even driven down that street in a year and almost nine months.


But I had this urge last week to see Mo on a swing....because the one time Max sat in one, it was in Connecticut and I wasn't there - I was napping after a red-eye flight and I hate myself for missing it (I hate myself for missing a lot).  Mo loves the swing.  He's been warming up to it a little more each day.  I am so glad I braved the walk to get him to the park.  So glad.


It is still so painful and I just wonder if it will ever get easier.  I'm missing my Maxie every minute of every day.  Every minute.  Sometimes it feels like I am just hanging by a thread.  My chest hurts with so much intensity I sometimes feel sick.  Honestly.

But, my Mo!  He makes every hard push I make completely worth it.  He is an angel.