Lately I have gotten really into something that I never thought I would enjoy doing again - cooking.  After we lost Maxie, I couldn't cook at all.  Making a meal was too sad for me - everything tasted bland anyway - and if it didn't, I kind of hoped it would.  I had always loved cooking - for myself, for dinner guests, for family.  I have never been a really awesome cook, but I have always really enjoyed it.  I loved cooking up Maxie's baby food and making dinner for Ted and I while the baby played.  I loved the simple domesticity of being a mom and wife.  It gave me lots of joy.  It was something I had waited for many years to have. 

After I lost Max, I didn't want to shop for food...I didn't want to cook it.  Thank goodness for my friend Kate, who organized a food train for us, and for all of our wonderful friends who signed up to bring us dinner twice a week for six months!  SIX MONTHS!  It's truly unbelievable how amazing that is.  There were a few friends who kept bringing food - some that still do!  If you ever want to know what you can do for a grieving family - bring food!  They have to eat whether they want to or not and they do not have enough energy to think about where the next meal is going to come from.  I would think this would be especially important for families with remaining children.  Being able to serve a home cooked dinner to your family when you are grieving would be a tremendous burden lifted.  Even ordering in is exhausting for some reason.  It's all just too much. 

I'm not sure when the cooking switch got turned back on, but at some point along my journey, it has become a comfort to me.  It is something that I feel like I have some control over (in my otherwise chaotic feeling world).  It is a way I can try to make my husband feel loved and appreciated.  It calms me down and demands that my focus be on measuring and cutting and timing.  I am really into finding new recipes and making something different every night.  I am trying to keep everything pretty low maintenance and low fat.  Today I am slow cooking an African peanut chicken dish with sweet potatoes and cabbage that smells AMAZING.  Last night I made Moroccan chicken with raisins, carrots and couscous.  

Teddy's sister is a chef (she runs the test kitchen at Cuisinart) and his mom used to be a caterer.  They are WONDERFUL cooks.  Everything they make is delicious.  I can't even really aspire to come close but I am having fun playing with recipes and having new dinners to look forward to every night.  I've always enjoyed cooking but recently it has become like a new hobby again.  I am taking mental note of the recipes that are most kid friendly and looking forward to being the kind of mom that serves food that my children love.  I am looking forward to being a mom to children who grow up and eat the food that I cook because they are big and healthy and happy.  Cooking these days represents my future - something I had all but given up on - something for which I feel very, very grateful today.