I was wild about Maxie!  WILD!  Like, he actually drove me totally wild with love.  If you are a mom, you know what I mean.  Looking at or thinking about him made my blood pump and my heart quicken.  His smell, his face, his sweetness, his chubby thighs - I could literally eat him up!  It finally makes sense why my pet hamster did exactly that with her children (she ate them up - right in front of my face).  There is something that happens - pheromones? - that connects a mother and child.  It is way better even than romantic love.  And it is different from other deep loves as well.  I mean, I was nuts about my Grandma Mare, but looking at her didn't make the blood pump out of my veins (though she did smell pretty good - white linen or something).  But, oh my god, even thinking about Maxie now....his cuteness - makes me CRAZY.  I covered his face in kisses throughout his waking hours.  When Ted would come home at night, I would tell him "I LOVE THAT BABY!"  Holy cow - our love was deep!

I am also WILD about Mo!  His smell is one thousand times better than even a preteen whiff of Adam Glickman's polo cologne (Camp Ramah, summer of 1984).   My lips are permanently planted on his cheeks.  His little rolls send me over the moon.  When he sits up on the couch like a big boy, I feel like I've died and gone to heaven.  When he smiles at me, I feel worthy....like the most important, valuable person in the world.  When Ted comes home at night, I gush about Mozy.  "I LOVE THAT BABY!" I hear myself saying.....and then I feel stupid and guilty for a minute.

My love means nothing.  My love didn't save my baby.  My love was mocked.  And, the worst, am I betraying Maxie by loving Mo THIS much?  The guilt is enough to eat me alive (hamster style times a thousand million).  I know it is ridiculous, I know it doesn't make sense.  That's probably why the deep pain of it only lasts a minute.  But, I carry it all to some extent throughout my days and nights. Am I allowed to love this baby that deeply?  Is god making fun of me?  If I love him a little less, will he escape the curse?  But, I can't love him less!  I couldn't even if I wanted to because of those pheromones and because he is completely and totally awesome!  I mean, PLEASE - just look at him!  Don't you want to grab a cheek and eat it for dinner?