I have gotten better at compartmentalizing my grief (or "pretending").  I can put Maxie away for hours at a time without completely losing it emotionally in public.  It isn't easy.  Sometimes the tears creep in and I work hard to shut them down.  It is easier for everyone this way.

But, can I tell you something?  I sort of hate it.  I know it is "progress".  I hate that the expectation of progress is for me to stop focusing on Max - my baby.  If he was alive, he would be my primary focus....obviously.  I know that everyone else has been compartmentalizing from the very beginning.  They couldn't let themselves feel this pain.  They probably wonder why it took me so long or whether I was purposely avoiding this stage.  I don't think I realized that it was possible to even be in this stage AND I probably was also avoiding it.  Pushing down the pain and putting on a smile feels like a terrible betrayal of my favorite person.  I imagine that when people leave my company now they say, "She seems to be doing so much better."  I am not really.  My hearts aches this morning, like every morning.  It is false.  It's an act.  I am still obsessed with where our souls go.  I am still ticking off the days until I can be with Max again.  I still can't believe that I am living in this nightmare.

"But he would have wanted you to be happy...", they say.  Would he have?  He was nine and a half months old.  I can only imagine that he wanted to be my baby.  He wanted us to be happy together.   If he was alive, he might feel jealous of Baby M or wonder why I wasn't paying as much attention to him anymore and I would feel guilty.  Look, if I died tomorrow, I would want my family to be happy again, but do we become totally unselfish upon passing?  I think it would hurt me to see them merrily going about life so soon after my death.  I think it would hurt me to not hear them mention my name or remember out loud the things that they loved about me.  I never admit that, because I am not supposed to.  So, there, I admitted it. If that's how I feel, why is it assumed that he was capable of emotions that are so much more complex? 

So, I am pleased to say that you might see a smiling woman when you next see me.  That will make life easier for you, for sure.  And it will be easy for you to walk away and feel good that "this" is over.  But, I think if you looked a little closer, you might see what you must know is true: that Maxie is in my every thought.  That "this" will never be over.  That "this" doesn't get any easier.  And, that I am just trying to figure out where to put my Max, for now, until we can be together again.  Not soon enough baby.