If we are put on this earth to learn certain lessons, I fear that the lesson I am supposed to learn is not to love too deeply.  When I am punished, it is for loving.  So, I am not certain what to do.  I already love Ted.  It is almost too late.  But, maybe I should slowly pull away, so if anything happens, the pain won't sear like it does now for Max.  If we have more children, maybe I should keep my emotional distance.  I thought children were safe to love with your whole heart, but I learned that is not the case.  Better to keep them at an arm's length perhaps.  I have listened to many Holocaust survivor testimonies and I have met many children of survivors through the years.  This was an emotional tactic employed post-war.  Some parents had more children but didn't get as emotionally invested in them.  Seems pretty unfair for those kids - a lot of them grew up feeling unloved or that they were the lousy replacements for the more favored, better children who were killed.  How can I guard my heart and still move forward?  The better question seems to be, how can I ever move forward?

This has been a very hard week (they all are).  Teddy's birthday was a nice break from a lot of pain but even that day had rough moments.  His awesome friends banded together and got him a gift certificate to the Langham Huntington Hotel in Pasadena and we decided to stay the night there on Monday night.  It was nice having a big comfortable king sized bed (we have a queen with an old mattress at home) with hotel sheets and maid service (I love hotels).  It was nice to be away from our regular surroundings for a night too.  We decided to go down to the hotel bar for drinks and snacks.  A father was trying to calm his baby and was carrying her around the bar for most of our time there.  Afterwards, we decided to walk around the hotel to get a lay of the land.  We turned down a hall headed right towards a nursing mom, turned around and saw a couple about our age with their little boy.  Obviously, we cannot go anywhere without being surrounded by children.  It's ridiculous to even think we can escape.  Last week a friend suggested we move to a retirement community.....now THAT is a good idea.  Leaving Maxie behind in 2011 hurts.  I only feel respite from my pain when I don't think about him and I cannot NOT think about him.  He deserves to be remembered in every moment because he should be here with us.  I hate who I have become.  Not sure what kind of a New Year's Resolution can even help at this point.  The list of changes that I would need to make to myself to even get back to my flawed old self is really endless and overwhelming.  Still, I am hopeful that a little light can come back into our lives this year.  Anything has to be better than this.