I'll start with a few updates about fundraising for Maxie's Forest.  Our t-shirt project raised $1450, which is a whole lot of moolah!  So, thank you to everyone who bought a t-shirt.  If you for any reason just have not found the time to drop the check in the mail for the t-shirt that we sent you, we are still accepting payments so please don't be shy.  We hope you will wear your Team Maxie shirts with pride!

We are excited about the event on the 15th (http://missingmaxie.blogspot.com/2012/01/weekend-for-maxie.html) and that so many people have already signed up.  There is now an online registration up as well.  I will warn you ahead of time that it is possible that the confirmation you receive after registering will still have the old date.  We hope to fix that within the next day (thanks for pointing it out Courtney). http://www.jnf.org/about-jnf/events/2012/benefit-for-maxie-leviss.html.  So you know, you won't actually receive paper tickets to the event but your name will be on a list when you arrive.  The silent auction will have lots of great items - police ride alongs, several hotel stays and vacation homes (including a week at our home in Costa Rica and a weekend at Aunt Jan's Arrowhead house), unique experiences....I am excited about the donations we have received.  Shawn is working on the talent and has a few great comedians lined up.  It will be a fun night.

Remember that we are looking forward to a whole weekend of activities for Maxie and that there will also be a 5k and a marathon on Saturday the 17th and Sunday the 18th.  We are hoping that a group of people will join us for the 5k on Saturday.  We are planning to walk it (I am going to physical therapy twice a week for my ankle and will hopefully be all good by then).  My two friends, Jess Clements and Ann Frederick, have told me of their plans to run.  Please please let me know if you are planning to join us.  We are setting up a fundraising page this week for those of you who are inclined to use the event to help us raise money for Maxie's Forest as well.  Here is the information about the 5k.  http://www.lamarathon.com/event/la-5k/.  It is $35 to register and you can do it the morning of the event.

In other news - as I mentioned, I am going to physical therapy twice a week.  It is actually nice.  Mostly I lay there while they massage my foot, use the ultrasound on it to break up scar tissue and attach electrodes to stimulate the muscles.  Also, I have to do a few easy exercises.  Then I have to do exercises on my own twice a day.  I am again motivated by Maxie.  The physical therapy we did with him for his stiff little neck worked wonders (http://missingmaxie.blogspot.com/2011/11/maxies-physical-therapy.html).  I hope to make the kind of progress he did.  Yesterday the therapist was a new guy and he asked me how I hurt myself.  I told him that I ran a long distance in flip flops.  I told the same thing to the first therapist I had left it at that.  This guy started laughing and heckling me though.  So I said that I was actually at the hospital and needed to get to my car in a rush to follow an ambulance.  I wasn't smiling.  He continued heckling me and I should have just smiled and let it be, but instead I explained to him that the ambulance was carrying my son and that he ended up dying.  "What a bummer", the therapist said.  "Ya", I replied.  Then he said, "Well, you seem good now".  "Ya", I replied.  I should have kept my mouth shut.

As much as I say that I have given up trying to explain what is helpful for grieving parents to hear, I guess I am not really.  People still waste so much breath trying to convince me to be happy.  I WISH people could just hear that I am unhappy and be ok with that.  It is what it is.  I am not happy.  It is lunacy to think I would be happy and yet the argument continues and I am so, so tired.  I am just exhausted and I have WAY too much to worry about.  For the love of god, if you want to be helpful, accept me in my broken state for now.  Otherwise, please, please, please just leave me alone.  (Perhaps this is why I don't hear from so many of my friends?)  For those who are looking for accurate portrayals of what "this" feels like, I suggest reading "The Knitting Circle" or "Comfort" by Ann Hood.  Or, as some of my readers commented yesterday, rent "Rabbit Hole" with Nicole Kidman.  Warning - it isn't uplifting.  But, it is the truth.  As I mentioned yesterday, I don't think any of the movies that you normally see about grief do the process any justice at all.  And, I truly believe that the grief of bereaved parents is unique.  It is not the same as the grief of widows and widowers, or those who lose grandparents, friends, or anyone else.  Those griefs are unique as well.  I found this short video this morning.  One of my favorite bloggers, Heather Spohr, answers a woman asking how she should talk to her friend whose child is dying: http://www.momversation.com/momversation/loss-child-what-do-you-say.  As I continue to justify my feelings to well meaning friends day in and day out, I have to wonder if am I wasting my time.  I believe that for the most part I am.  But, there have been a few people who have come around over the last six months.  Thank you to those friends who have stood by us and made the effort to try to understand.  Ted and I both have appreciated your support so very much.