Mace Three Months

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Macie is three months old today and he is basically the most animated and smiley three month old I've ever met. He is always making eye contact and shooting us great big open mouthed grins. He usually wakes up twice a night - at 2 and 4 - to nurse and then he goes right back to bed. He spends a lot of time in his swing but I'm thinking those days are soon coming to a close as he'd much rather have us hold him so he can stare and coo at us. Also he is sleeping less (though still most of the day) and he's a tummy time champion. Macie looks so much like his big brothers! We are obsessed with him!!! 




Fears

Friday, May 22, 2015

When you've lost a child, you look for other people who've lost children to talk to.  This means that finally you are part of a community of people who understand.  With time, you all get to know each other and to actually love each other's children, even though they've passed.  There are children who've lived all over the world, who I've never met, who I love as much in some ways as many of the children I know quite well.  It is comforting to know that there are also people who love Max like this too - even though they never met him.

Along with knowing all of these amazing people - I have learned the many ways a child can die.  I have friends whose children have choked, drowned, fallen out of windows, died of the flu and chicken pox, cancer and malaria.  When you haven't lost a child, you believe wholeheartedly that NONE of these things could EVER happen to your child.  When your child is dead, you know that any one of these is a real possibility.

Without a conscious awareness that I am even doing it, I am always looking for the potential dangers - blind chords and washing machines, prescription drugs and poorly installed car seats, chunks of apple and uncut grapes....I know that all of these things are deadly and I point out the dangers to anyone helping me to care for my children. 

I know that my concerns are often met by eye rolls and that many people find me crazy and morbid - but I don't care. I know something that they don't really know - children die. I wish I didn't know all of the ways a child can die but sadly, many of the children I love most have gone - without my ever having met them. 

These fears are real.

East Coast Living

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

It's hard to believe that we've moved! We've been here for a week and a half and it still doesn't feel real. A few weeks after Macie was born, Ted flew out here without us and found our house. Before we got here, I'd only seen pictures. Friends couldn't believe that I'd bought a house without ever seeing it, but Ted's passion and career is architecture. I trust his opinion more than my own. He did a wonderful job too. I love our house. It's perfect for us. Our house was built over 200 years ago, it has tons of character and a beautiful big backyard.

Our kids love it too. Last week when the DirectTV guys came to install the cable, Mo kept chasing them around and saying, "Hey guys, look at my backyard!" Myla also loves hanging outside, relaxing in the sun.

Since we've been here, we've spent lots of time with Auntie Beth (or as Mo calls her, "Aun Beffie"), Gigi (Ted's mom), Papa, and cousin Sadie..and also Beth's boyfriend and his two girls. Our kids have been getting a lot of attention and we've been getting so much help. It's been awesome and so much fun.

I am on maternity leave until Monday and Ted doesn't start his job until July 1. He is going to be focused on getting us set up in our new house and helping with the kids. Mo started his new preschool last week and fit right in - no problem. I haven't had the chance to do a ton of exploring yet, but it is so beautiful here. Every tree is a different color, the town is so cute, and everyone is so friendly.

Things are good, if maybe a little surreal. It really feels like this was the right move for our family. We are happy to be here. More to come! 



Myla One Year Old

Friday, May 1, 2015

Today our little girl is one year old! It's hard to believe that she almost wasn't ours. She is the funniest baby! She is spirited and enthusiastic with everything she does. She loves to be the center of attention and often is. She is so cute, it should be illegal. I can't wait to see what the next year brings for her. She is special beyond words and we are grateful for her every day!

Our favorite little girl! Happy Birthday! We adore you!

Hard

Thursday, April 30, 2015

I'm having a hard time. Like, a REALLY hard time. It's a combination of things - post partum hormones, PTSD (still got that one cooking), no sleep - up every morning with Mace between 3-5 and when I finally get him down, the other two wake up), a potentially scary test result for Mace (more on that in future weeks maybe), a general feeling of being fat and unpresentable post baby, Jake's death, and some family drama that has left me feeling pretty worn down. 

I think everyone has times in life that are really really hard. I think this would be hard if I was just nursing a little one all night and didn't have all of the other factors, but I do. I tend to have this feeling that I should be grateful and happy all of the time because my remaining children are alive. So when I start to feel unhappy or worn out by other factors in life, things that I think wear most parents down, I really beat myself up. Another bereaved parent explained it well - it feels like we are supposed to be crying tears of joy over every poopy diaper - and in theory, I kind of am. 

But this is hard and frankly, I am having a hard time. I see the horizon up ahead - I just can't get there quick enough.

LOVE

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

I hope my children always know that they are loved. No matter who they become, no matter what they do, no matter how old they get - we will always love them. We will always tell them, we will always show them, we will always make sure that they know that we love them more than anything. Even when they are challenging - or our feelings get hurt, they will know that they are loved.  And when life is hard for them - we will be there, walking beside them - because that's what we signed up for, that's what they deserve, and that's what love means. As long as Ted and I are alive, these guys will never ever feel alone..... From here to eternity - we will always love the one that we have outlived and we'll always love the ones that outlive us long after we are gone.


Bittersweet

Monday, April 27, 2015

Since losing Maxie, I have been fantasizing about moving away - as if leaving this place could make the pain go away.  We thought about Portland and Seattle and Israel and Hawaii and Costa Rica.  We wanted a fresh start, an adventure, and some place where we didn't have to worry about driving past Maxie's daycare, the ER, or the cemetery every time we left the house.

As time has passed, we've realized that no matter where we are - we won't be able to leave the pain behind.  For a long time, that put our search on hold....until now.  We are moving - soon!   A new adventure for me in a new place - a new adventure for Ted in an old familiar place.  It is starting to feel real.  I am really excited and also so so sad.

I am sad to leave this familiar place that I've spent most of my life in.  This town that everyone loves to hate is a place that I love to love.  I've always loved LA.  Always, always.  I get why people don't like it - traffic, superficial Hollywood people.....uh, traffic.  But I love the sunshine, the beach, the mountains, the canyons, the endless list of places to eat, drink and play.  Most of that has felt pretty empty for a long time, but I will still miss it.

I will miss friends and family and special places and old traditions. Of course we will visit, but it won't be the same. 

Despite all this, I'm really excited - really. Look out East Coast! Here we come!


Jake

Sunday, April 26, 2015

We finally had to put Jake down a few weeks ago. It was a sort of painful decision as there was no perfect time really. I have been avoiding thinking about it for the most part because it isn't a very convenient time to grieve and I am just emotionally worn out.

Losing a dog is painful. It doesn't compare to losing my son. It just doesn't. The fact is that everything painful thing in life now gets compared to losing Max. It's my barometer. And what sort if sucks about that is that I don't allow myself to feel the other sadnesses - because I have this feeling that they shouldn't count....because compared to losing Max they don't. But there has been a lot of painful stuff over these past four years and frankly, it's just so exhausting.

Jake was a special dog. I've loved him more than any other animal ever (don't tell Layla - she is a close second ;)) He had my heart from the moment I knew he existed. A friend's brother and his family were Jakeys first owners I'd seen his photo and became obsessed with goldendoodles. I spent hours researching them on the internet. And then - I learned they couldn't keep him. I knew he had to be mine. I'd "secreted" him is what I told Ted after we watched "The Secret@ together. Jake was big and fluffy and cuddly. He nuzzled everyone who came over and laid in our laps and across our bodies while we slept. We used to say that he wasn't the smartest dog (he'd forget how to use the doggie door every few days and just stand outside and bark until we showed him again how it worked), but he sure was pretty. He was so pretty - he had the softest prettiest coat, the longest eyelashes and the sweetest face.  His coat would get long and dreadlocky when I didn't brush him (because I hardly ever did) and when he'd come back from the groomers with really short hair, we called him "Jacques" - he somehow seemed more French with the short doo. Another fake name often thrown in the mix was "Yakey", as my former housekeeper from Peru used to call him. 

Jake was my first great love. Honestly. He was my first experience with that particular brand of selflessness. A sImilar feeling you have towards your children (though not quite the same). While I tend to diminish his passing, his life lit mine up every day he was with me. 

I hope he's found my Maxie by now and is giving him some great big cuddles. 

There will never be another like you my friend

Mace two months

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Mace is an awesome baby. He is really mellow 95% of the time, and if he ever fusses up, it usually takes some milk and maybe 2 Hyland homeopathic Colic tablets to chill him out. He is so cute, smells so good, and looks so much like big brother Mo - though he continues to remind me most of Maxie. Mace has just started smiling, usually with an open mouth and just off from center eye contact. He is so special. 



Four

Monday, April 6, 2015

If you were to ask Mo how old he was today, he'd say four. I'm not sure why, since he isn't even three yet. But, people keep asking him - and he keeps saying four.

People keep laughing and asking me how it is to have three children and am I going to try for four. I rarely correct them and say "I already have four", because when I do they feel bad. Of course, the question makes me feel bad - and so does playing along with the suggestion that Mo, Myla and Macie make up the entirety of my clan of kids. 

This July will make four years since our worlds fell apart. FOUR YEARS. Impossible to imagine. There are still broken pieces everywhere I look as if the devastation JUST happened. Four years sounds like a lot. It's nothing.

Four. He should be four. He should be four.






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