Mo's music class

I've always gotten into trouble for talking too much.  I find it very hard to just shut my mouth and pay attention.  I am always the one (or with the ones) who get told to keep it down - as a kid - at sleepover parties, in school, at summer camp, in dance, music and swim classes.

When I was in high school, the teachers always used to tell my parents that I wasn't working to my full potential.  I spent more time talking with friends than I did focusing on the teacher.  My memories of high school are of laughing wildly with friends on the front lawn, having an ongoing dandruff contest on the black tables of science class (the joys of an all-girls high school), Indian wrestling in the junior and senior lounges, passing notes about boys and speaking in code language in front of teachers.  I didn't become interested in learning until much later.

Later in life, I was always with the loud crew and often leading it.  I could not shut up in restaurants, in movies (how annoying am I?), at hotels, it was hard for me to pay attention in class.  I'd rather be socializing.  I remember being on the patio of Lucy's Al Adobe Restaurant with girlfriends a few years back and being told to be quiet by the people at the table next to us.  I think it just made us louder.  My friend Suzy and I took a weekly semi-private pilates lesson from our friend Molly for a few years.  While I liked pilates (and Molly is an AMAZING teacher), I really went because it was good catch-up time with my girlfriends.  We were told to be quiet more than once (a lesson) by other teachers and their students sharing the studio.

Even on the trips I've led to Israel.  I am usually sitting in the "back of the bus", with the loud croud, yucking it up and not setting a good example of how to pay attention to the guide or speaker at the front of the bus.

I have often just found it really hard to shut up.  I like talking.

Times have changed a bit.

Mo and I have been taking a music class.  We go once a week, with my new best friend Kim and her twins.  The twins are 3 years old.  They are ADORABLE!  They love Mo and he loves them.  I try not to think too hard about the fact that they are six months older than Max would be.  Somehow that six months makes the difference though.  I convince myself that Max wouldn't be anything like them - because he would be six months younger.

Mo loves this music class.  He loves being around other children.  He loves that we sit on a mat and that he can roll around on it and put instruments in his mouth.  He loves when other children pay attention to him.  He loves when I play the (very annoying) CD of all of the music class songs in the car.  Sometimes it is the only way I can get him to stop whining in the back seat.

The best thing about this music class is that I don't have to talk to other moms.  We don't sit around and try to troubleshoot issues we are having with our babies, which is more like the baby and me stuff Max and I did together.  Even the baby and me yoga class I took with Max had too much talking - we all had to go around the room and say how many kids we had and how old they are at the beginning of each session.  Kim assured me ahead of time - there is no talking in music class.  In fact, if you ever do get caught talking - the teacher WILL give you a dirty look.

Talking is not allowed.  Just the way I like it....for now!

Ten Months Old!!!!

Our baby is FINALLY Ten Months Old!!!  He is awesome!  He has three (almost four) teeth on top and two teeth on bottom that don't get brushed as often as they should (we are working on that).  He loves to eat with his fingers - yam sticks, bananas, avocados, cheerios, meatballs, salmon, turkey, cheese, black beans and more.  He grabs huge fistfuls and shoves them in his mouth (the dogs love mealtime - at least half of what he tries to eat falls on the floor).  He still can't crawl but he rolls everywhere!  He knows what he wants and will roll to get it.  He cries when things he wants to play with are taken away or when people he loves leave the room.  He climbs into mommy's lap and smiles big for daddy when he comes home.  He is friendly with people he meets - usually.  He loves watching kids and especially loves when they pay attention to him.  He laughs at things he finds funny and loves watching Sesame Street and Pajanimals (and mommy lets him be a child of the 70s in that way).

We love him SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!  He is an angel sent to us straight from Heaven.  

Here's the recap (and I cannot FOR THE LIFE OF ME get these photos to line up straight):

                                        
                                             

The new lucky

When I write about how much I LOVE Mo!  How special he is to me!  How much joy he has brought to my life - I feel overwhelming guilt.  Guilt might not even be the right word - but it's the best one I've got.

After losing Max, people kept dismissing our loss, telling us "You can always have more children".  After I got pregnant, they said "Well, at least you can now focus on this child".  I guess it just seemed like no big deal that our baby died.

OOOOOOOOooooooooo!  It made me so mad.  At least!  At least!  At least!  Easy for you to say!!!!!  Have you seen Mo's videos?  Have you seen Maxie's (I have less of those, sadly)?  Can you imagine losing a child?  As I've said before, just because you treat it like it's no big deal - doesn't make it no big deal.  It has broken me.  I feel his absence every moment of every day.  And even when I feel joy, I am acutely aware of the fact that I am feeling joy amidst my deep sorrow.  I don't EVER just feel joy.  It shouldn't have to be this way - for anyone.  It is HARD work - every second.  I know you don't understand - and yet, I still feel COMPELLED to continue to try and explain. It is exhausting.

But, Mo IS here now and he DOES make my life easier.  He doesn't take away the pain of having lost Max.  Nobody could.  But, he makes me feel that life will be good again - a much different kind of good - but still good.  I am lucky.  I AM LUCKY.  I can't even believe I am saying that.  My heart feels sick for those who aren't as lucky as I am.  Those who lost their only child and couldn't have more.  Those who've lost more than one.  Those who've lost whole families....because, Oh My Lord!!!! - it happens.  I feel guilty, guilty, guilty.  I have Mo!

This isn't what I used to call lucky....but it is what I call it now.

Mo's ninth month

I am completely and totally WILD about this boy.  He makes me so happy - so much more happy than I would have ever thought was possible again for me in this lifetime.  When I am looking at him, my heart feels temporarily healed.  I am so grateful for this beautiful boy! 

The last of the broken hearts

I don't want to scare you but I've been thinking about premature death a lot.  I don't think it is as rare as you think it is.  What I mean is -  I think Ted and I often feel like freaks because we are "the ones that lost [our] baby" - but, I honestly don't think we will be the last ones we know who will lose a child.  I hope we are - but I just don't think so.  I've been thinking about all of the young people I've known who've died really young and wondering how it came to be that I know SO many young people who are not here any longer.  I think it is because young people die - much more often than we like to think.  I am sorry for writing about this, but it is what I have been thinking about.

Off the top of my head, I can think of three from my summer camp community.  Two died from cancer - one took his own life.  My camp is a pretty insular place - we all were like a big family.  Learning of these deaths felt like a punch in the face - completely unbelievable.
One friend from high school - gone in a car accident.  It happened just before graduation.  I don't think it ever really sunk in for many of us.  How could it be real?
The guy I dated immediately after my engagement broke off in 2000 - died in a plane crash in Aspen, about a month after we stopped dating.  He was on a private plane and everyone that I ever met through him died with him on that day - they were all going away together for the weekend to celebrate his 25th birthday.  There was nobody left to even bury him as his mother and brothers were on the plane too.  Too tragic to comprehend - impossible to wrap my brain around.
My funny and brilliant friend Judah - who was the inspiration for my Maxie's middle name - died at 39 - the very age I am now.  We all knew he had cancer but nobody thought he would die.  He'd gone through stem cell treatment that everyone thought would save his life.  It didn't.  How can it possibly be that he is gone too?
My hilarious curmudgeonly gay boyfriend and partner in crime, Michael, who took care of me and was my constant companion when my heart was so broken many years ago.  He went home to visit his parents and died in his sleep.  No indicators, no illness......no nothing.
Chelsea, the beautiful childhood friend of my cousin Lizzy - same story.  She was on a trip with her mom - I think to visit colleges - and died in her sleep.  Her mom woke up to find that she was beside her, gone already.  When I say this girl was beautiful - it doesn't do her any justice at all.  Ridiculous beauty and a lovely personality. 
My friend Amy lost her brother several years ago - he had just called home from the road to wish his father a Happy Birthday and then died in a car crash.  He was young and ambitious and full of life.
Recently, two guys I know from high school lost their brothers.  Sudden, unexpected losses. 
Should I keep going?
A college friend who died of a heroin overdose.  He'd battled with the drug over the years but had been clean for several years when he must have made a terrible terrible choice to give it one last go.
Two of my best friends - Jon and Lindsay have lost siblings.  Jon's sister Marissa and Lindsay's brother Darryl.  Both young and married with three children each.
My Costa Rican friend Elier - who was my Spanish teacher and first Costa Rican friend - died suddenly, also just a kid....maybe 23 years old.
I think I'll stop there but I could keep on.
All of these lives - gone.  All of these friends left behind parents, siblings, friends.  All of us will die someday - but we all expect to live long lives - and I am not sure why.  All evidence tells me that there is no reason we should expect anything at all.  I am not trying to be a downer - I am trying to be a realist.  The only moment you can count on is this one.

I'm sorry that the sad stories don't end with ours because what that means is that we won't be the last broken of the hearts.

We certainly aren't the first. 

My happy boy

Mo's being so cute makes it very easy for me to not write when I don't want to. Instead, I can just post a video of him being himself.

Mo - 91/2 months old:

Still nine months

Mo is STILL nine and a half months old.  This has been the longest month since he was born.  It feels like the days are passing by and somehow, he is still only nine months old.  I let myself feel safe and then I realize that it could still happen at any minute.  There are no indicators, there is no gut feeling, there is no nothing.  I have been so stressed out that I now have hives all over my chest and back.  Seems like my body's way of getting my attention is to make me super itchy.  I think I enjoyed migranes better.  At least they go away after a few hours.  I've been itching for days.  5 more days.....I can't wait to stick the 10 month sticker on my baby. 

Forgiveness

Moriah said something to me during her reading a couple of weeks ago that has stuck (well, apparently my grandpa Jack communicated it - but Moriah said it).  She was talking about a difficult relationship in my life and why it is the way it is.  She ended by saying, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?".  Good Question!  It kind of gets to the crux of most of the issues I have with other people.  Sometimes I just can't believe that these people refuse to take responsibility for their actions.  And often I KNOW I AM RIGHT to think that.  But, you know what?  They think the same thing about me.  No matter how right I know I am...they know they are right too.  And, even though I feel like I shouldn't have to be the one to forgive - I WOULD rather be happy than right.  It doesn't mean that I've let go of all of my hurt and gotten all  "Kumbaya" - it just means that I have bigger battles to fight  - like with my own demons.  I don't have the energy to be mad anymore.  People don't change - you either have to forgive them and change your expectations or stay mad.  I am trying to choose the first method.

PS- I forgot to mention my BEST BEST FRIEND ON EARTH Marla yesterday!!!!!  Sorry Malsie.  You know I love you ;)

What is your definition of friendship?

In high school, I was voted "Most likely to tell a story about her best best friend on earth".  What can I say?  I've got a lot of best friends.  I'm lucky - I've always made friends easily.  It's always been surprising to me that even though I've had a lot of friends, most of them are of the really quality kind - intelligent, loyal, funny, ambitious, deep and interesting.  Depending on when and what's happening in my life, I have a different best best friend on earth (bbfoe).  There are my childhood best friends - Sigalle and Danna; my high school best friends - Bianca, Amy, Suzy, Molly; my cousin best friends - Sharon, Lizzy, Jodi and Leslie K; my college best friends - Jessica, Eowyn, Kate and Robyn;  my guy best friends - Greg, Jon R., and Keith; my adult years best friends - Carmen, Sigalle (again), Tamar and Greg (again); my camp best friends - Carly, Lindsay and Tamar (again)....my sister-in-law best friend - Beth and my best, best, best friend on earth - Ted.  I've left a bunch out too (like my San Francisco bestie -Rose, and my traveling best friend - Leslie H, my auntie best friend - Alison, my new best friend - Kim and ....)

OY! Dear Other Besties - please don't be offended - you are still my best best BEST friends on earth!.  Somehow quantity has not compromised the quality of said best friends.  Everyone I've named here is still a BBFOE - even after my losing Max and my mind and a good part of my soul.

Someone left a comment the other day that I have had a hard time understanding and wrapping my brain around. The comment said (in part) " I wouldn't know how to relate to you if we ever met because it seems as though you want everyone to suffer your loss in order to understand what you're going through or be your friend."  Uh..............YA!  I still cannot tell if that was written as if it were a bad thing.  Is that too much to expect from my friend?  I am not sure what your definition of friendship is but I think you might not be aiming high enough in the friendship department.  My friends are people who I have chosen to walk through life with.  They aren't people that I was born to or that I NEED to spend time with or that I am getting paid to be around.  I chose them.  They CHOSE me.  We root for each other.  We show up for each other not only for the really exciting life events - like marriages and babies, but also for life's heartbreaks.  When my friend is suffering from a broken heart - whether because he/she lost a job or a boyfriend or a loved one or some self confidence - I suffer too.  Their loss is my loss, their gain is my gain.

It is nice to have people that you simply have uncomplicated fun with - people that you can party with or go out dancing or drinking or shopping with - but those people aren't necessarily your "friends".  When I lived in Israel, I spent a lot of time on a Kibbutz where there was a pretty large group of young Israelis and volunteers my age.  It was one of the most fun times of my entire life but I made very few genuine friends.  I had people to hang out with, go to the nearby Arab village for falafel with, and go to the pub with...but at the end of the day, I was totally replaceable - people were coming and going all of the time.  Those people weren't my friends, though I used the same word to describe them.  They were people I played with at a certain time in my life.  They were great!  But, I certainly wouldn't turn to any of them in a tragedy.  I wouldn't have cried to any of them about my broken heart.  I didn't know much about their hopes and dreams and fears.  It doesn't mean that they couldn't have grown to become real friends - they just weren't at that time.  Our "friendships" were superficial for the most part.  And that is ok.

In Hebrew we call those people who we have superficial relationships with our "Yedidim", which translates to "friends" but means something different than "Chaverim", which also translates in English to "Friends" but whose significance far surpasses those in the first category.

In times of heavy grief, we tend to go deeper within ourselves - making those superficial relationships impossible to maintain.  How can we continue to be in "friendships" with people who just want to have fun with us when we are incapable of having fun?  It is just impossible.  In times like these, we need our Chaverim, our best best friends on earth - the ones whose hearts are also broken that we are suffering - and in our case, those who are missing Maxie with us.

I read this AMAZING book recently called "A Grief Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss", by Jerry Sitter.  Sitter lost his mother, wife, and two year old daughter in a car accident caused by a drunk driver.  Sitter and three of his children survived the accident.  There were may valuable lessons Sitter shared in the book.  Practically every line in my copy is highlighted.  He wrote a lot about the importance of the community that formed around him and his surviving children after the accident and about their willingness to share his pain and make themselves vulnerable.  "Throwing caution to the wind, they walked into the house and embraced me in tears, though they had no idea what to say to comfort me and the children.  They chose to make themselves available, vulnerable, and present to our suffering."

He also writes about how, many people were not able to step up to the plate, and how he knows that in the past he had been one of those people himself.  Even people who do care can't really step up  "..tragic loss, like mine, always engender a groundswell of support that ends almost as quickly as it begins.  We should not necessarily fault friends for the brevity or superficiality of their support.  I have been prone to do the same myself...I wanted to express concern, which I did.  But I did not choose to embrace the suffering and did not allow it to change my life.  In most cases I lacked the time and energy; in a few cases I also lacked the willingness and heart."

He goes on to say what this experience is like for the griever, who themselves lacks the energy to carry on the superficial relationships - too tired from just getting through the grief each day.  "I did not have enough room in my soul to let all of them in.  I could not keep retelling the same story, update people on what was happening to my children, or explain what I was thinking and how I was feeling during the many bleak days and months following the accident."  There is only so much room in one's heart.  As much as people have kept their distance from us, not wanting to get too close to our pain - we have kept those who cannot get close to our pain at a distance as well.  It goes both ways.

All of this to say -Yes, it's true.  I EXPECT my Friends....my Chaverim....feel heartbroken for us.  I expect that they are feeling broken that beautiful Max died.  Not because they "have to", just because they do.  I expect that they miss him and that they also think about him when they meet a child of 9 1/2 months, or when their own child turns 10 months or when they encounter a 2 1/2 year old child.  I expect them to feel this way because not everyone makes my BBFOE list (though it may seem otherwise) and because I really only have space in my heart for those who care.  I believe that my nearest and dearest have the same expectation of me.  I deeply care about the lives of all of my closest friends - I want for them love, happiness, health, prosperity, joy, beauty, success!  And I suffer with them through heartbreaks, physical pain, disappointment, and loss.  That is what friendship is.  If these aren't the friendships that are present in your life, you are missing the deep soul connection that is possible between human beings and I am sorry for you for that.  My friendships are incredibly rewarding and fulfilling and I wish that for you too.

"The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don't, but in the end they're the people you always come home to. Sometimes it's the family you're born into, and sometimes it's the one you make for yourself." 
- cheesy Sex and the City quote 
http://missingmaxie.blogspot.com/2012/06/evolution-of-friendship.html

Challenge Update

Hey!  My weight loss challenge is in round two!  During the first round, our group lost 50 pounds between all of us (and it would have only been 49 without the pound I contributed!)  My already teeny, tiny friend Jessica won $200 after four weeks for highest percentage of weight loss.  There were other very impressive losses in addition to hers also.

I may not have really lost weight but I feel a whole lot better - mostly from the working out part.  Ted and I literally work out in our living room every night together.  We have a lot of fun too.  We've basically memorized the DVDs that we do and enjoy quoting Jillian back at the television set - we try to beat her to the punch....like we say "You want more? I've got more!" before she can say it first.  Ah, the memories we are creating!

What's really awesome is that when we started just a few weeks ago, I could hardly do a jumping jack.  I blamed it on bad knees.  But, now - it ain't NO THANG!  In fact, a lot of the exercises that I could hardly muster in the first week are easy peasy now - I'm not braggin or anything - just sayin'.

An acquaintance of mine (who is now a friend - not merely an acquaintance), whose brother I know from my high school days, offered to coach me through a nutrition program she did to lose weight after having her daughter and it seems to be working for me.  I am journaling my food every day and sending it to her at night.  She then returns my emails and says things like, "That's great.  Ideally, I'd like to see you get more vegetables in".  She's so sweet.  Their family also had a major loss recently, so we've been checking in with each other about these cycles of grief as well.  I always loved Leslie, even if I didn't know her well. Whenever I'd see her out over the years, I always gravitated towards her - she's adorable and I am so sorry for her family's loss.  It's just inexplicably horrible.  

I was sent a couple of other diet plans as well that I'm keeping in my back pocket for now (thank you Erin for the plan you shared....it will get used I am sure!).  It's kind of funny that I am putting this much effort into something that I hope gets derailed (with a pregnancy) in the not too distant future.  But, I was in bad shape and you know, I needed the distraction.  Anyway, aren't you proud of our challenge group?  50 pounds is no joke!